MY 1st 350 words of my current WIP MG

Will repost later. Saving Sapphire is under revision.

 

Thank you!

 

 

 

 

5 thoughts on “MY 1st 350 words of my current WIP MG

  1. Your new opening pulled me right in! I love the first paragraph, so clear and compelling, really sets the mood and setting.

    Here are a couple of tiny nitpicks: “Faintly groaning, I rolled out of bed, stepping once again on Emma’s Legos.” When you describe the action, “faintly groaning,” it creates distance from the mc. Instead, you might say something like: I groaned and rolled out of bed . . .

    Also, if you combine the three sentences that describe her looks and going downstairs, you can sneak her description into the mix in a more subtle way. Perhaps something like this:
    I pulled on my faded jean shorts and favorite blue shirt, twisted my curly brown hair into a quick ponytail, and then hobbled downstairs to the kitchen.

    Beautiful foreshadowing with her sister’s Lego creation and Sapphire the dolphin!

  2. Hi Sharon,

    I’m not going to read Sarah’s comments until after I critique so that I’m not swayed by her oh-so-expert opinion! 😉

    I love the first paragraph aside from the last line: “I kind of knew how the ocean felt.” I’m not sure what you mean by this.

    In the second paragraph, just this phrase trips me up: “or I should say, back into my temporary bed” I know what you’re going for here because I know the backstory, but it reads a bit awkward, imo.

    I personally really like this sentence: “Even through the closed curtains, I could still see the beams of light casting across the harbor from the lighthouse nearby, warning fishermen of the treacherous fog and dangerous tides.” But, I don’t feel like it is being told from her voice. Also, the one word, ‘casting,’ in there tripped me up. Otherwise it’s a beautiful description–I’m just torn about if you should use it or reword it.

    Can you tell us who Savannah is? Maybe say, Aunt Savannah or something to indicate.

    I’d delete, ‘once again.’

    Did she throw the lego creation across the room? It makes it sound like she has an explosive temper.

    Cute beginning! This is going to be a great, adorable story!

    • Fantastic feedback as usual Shari! Thank you! I will work on clearing those parts up. And I am taking the ‘explosive’ part out. She’s angry but I don’t want her coming across as explosive LOL!

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